Amoeba Moves & Holey Clothes

As the spawn of two snarky adults, my children are developing sharp, offbeat senses of humor and I love it… 97% of the time.  A couple years ago, my tween son Dashiel* amused himself to no end by flopping his body around in an odd, amoeba-inspired motion instead of simply, err, walking…  And this didn’t happen just behind closed doors in the warm, safe haven we call home where freedom of expression rules supreme… nope.  Pretty much anytime we were in a public space, we could be guaranteed the treat of watching his body lose all abilities to function “normally” and he would freestyle his way through errands and everyday activities.  I’m pretty sure passersby were convinced he was afflicted with a rare & serious condition involving a musculoskeletal, neurological dysfunction, but alas… he was just cracking himself up and trying his darndest to embarrass moi.  One time, a well-meaning elderly lady gave him an enthusiastic THUMB-UP as I plucked items off the shelf in Target – either they were kindred spirits of the amoeba-dancing ilk or she was understandably under the impression that he was struggling.  And who knows?  Perhaps this was the physical manifestation of his insecurities.  Or how he outwardly expressed his discomfort with the inevitable evolution of friendships at this crucial age.  What I do know is that kids use humor, physical and verbal, to question and reinforce the social issues facing them.

Take babies and Peek-A-Boo, for example.  Any developing human baby of a certain age LOVES a rip-roaring round Peek-A-Boo where, at first they’re uncertain if they’ll ever see your face again, because Where. Did. You. Go??  Soon enough, it becomes a favorite game where they laugh as they reinforce their knowledge that, yes, their counterpart will indeed return from behind those tricksy fingertips.

In much the same way, I have come to observe kiddos use humor to question and reinforce their values on the playground and it is not always in a positive or self-deprecating way.  My daughter Chloe* has a playmate at school who she has gravitated toward, because the girl is just a bucket of fun.   And yet someone within the girl’s orbit always ends up hurt or crying.  Walking home from the bus this week, she told me why maybe this classmate might not be best friend material.  And it had to do with clothes.  A few weeks ago, Chloe wore one of her absolute favorite back-to-school finds – a long-sleeve, cold shoulder tunic with leggings.  Sally* had asked Chloe why her shirt had holes in it.  Chloe responded that this was just how the shirt was made.  Subsequently, Sally began asking lots of kids “what was wrong with their clothes,” eventually focusing her attention on sweet Kasie* & her adorable yoga-inspired shirt.

“Why are there holes in the back of your shirt?!” Sally demanded.

Kasie replied that this was just how the shirt came.  Then Sally proceeded to prod Kasie, “Why would you want holes in your shirt?  Wait – I can see your bra.  OMG, everyone!!  I can see HER BRA!!!  SHE’S WEARING A SHIRT THAT SHOWS HER BRA!!!  HER SHIRT SHOWS HER BRA!!”  By the time Sally had worked herself into squeals of glee, Kasie was noticeably uncomfortable.  Mind you – these girls are in fourth grade.  They’re not quite tweens & not quite babies – they’re in that strange, in-between phase where some are trying to sprint to their teen years while others are practically clinging to their My Little Pony collections.

 And yet the necessity to reinforce one’s own sense of self through the subjugation of others has already begun.  Heck, with girls it starts even younger.  Chloe pulled her friend aside & told her that she liked her shirt, then they played somewhere else.  Sally, triumphant with her latest “discovery,” ran off to terrorize – ahem, play with – other children until the bell rang.  Chloe ended the story by saying, “People were laughing, but Kasie wasn’t.  I can play with Sally, but I would never trust her as a best friend.”  At the end of the day, though, it is never about the clothes.  It is yet another chapter in the timeworn story of a humans using humor to boost themselves in social ranking by yanking someone down a notch or two.

Kids love a gut-splitting good time and their senses of humor are evolving.  Sally is a kid; she still has a huge growth arc ahead of her.  After all, children cannot always distinguish between laughter that lifts and humor that hurts; often, much like us adults, they only recognize the difference when the latter is directed at them personally.

As a parent, I love to see what pushes my kids’ giggle buttons & yet always try to guide them toward healthy, un-hurtful humor.  Sometimes, it is a fine line, especially as they mature & reach middle & high school.  What if they direct that sharp dagger of humor toward themselves to get the laughs?  Respecting one’s self is the first step to respecting others.  But how, do we as parents, send them on the right path?

We ask simple questions:

Would your feelings be hurt if someone said that about or to you?  Is it kind? 

Guiding kiddos to choose the right path is hard – it’s even harder when, as adults, we often make the same mistakes.  When social media personalities gain stardom through Twitter wars, we have to ask ourselves: Would our feelings be hurt if we were on the receiving end of that?  Was it kind?  The divisiveness in our country comes not from any one leader or celebrity; it has emerged through our reaction to the noise and the distrust that has grown from the discord within our community.  If we expect better of our children on the playground, shouldn’t we also hold ourselves to a higher standard?

We adults all operate on one big playground.  Granted, we assume there are bigger consequences at stake in our world – stronger bullies, powerful politicians & popular celebrities who lead the “cool crowd” on the quad called life.  We see these same threads of humor weaving through society at large as we question & reinforce the values we hold – people going against the grain for their own amusement, popular TV shows of years past being revived & reworked (Will & Grace, I can’t wait, but seriously – rehashing old faves is the ultimate Peek-A-Boo game); and Twitter outbursts or Facebook tirades meant to shame or belittle others are publicized with a quick click of a button.  All of these receive “likes” within the social fabric.

So, yes – we ask the simple questions of our kids.  But then we also must be conscientious about what we positively reinforce.  I would much rather watch & “like” the video that was circulating of the professional Korean baseball player who ran up and hugged the pitcher who, moments earlier, nailed him with a pitch than view and comment on the brawl incited by SF Giants’ Hunter Strickland when he purposely drove a fastball into Bryce Harper’s thigh while he was in the batter’s box.

We get to choose what to highlight & what stories we feed our children at the dinner table.  The more positive, the more our children will emulate those elements.  The more negative (OMG, you would not believe what Josie wore to work today…), the more judgments we will see amongst the littles each day.  Every moment is a teachable moment – we just don’t always realize we may be teaching our playground dwellers the very thing we dislike on the quad of life – divisiveness & distrust.  Let’s “like” amoeba dances.  Let’s choose kindness.

Thank you for reading my first blog post.  I hope it is the first of many.

* Names changed to preserve the privacy of individuals involved.